The MINDIE Method

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual psychotherapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett Psychotherapy practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com 

Dear Mindie, 

My ex-husband and I just settled on our divorce after 13 years of marriage and I find myself feeling lonely and depressed. This decision wasn’t easy, and I hold no resentment towards him and know it’s for the better, but I can’t help but feel an overall sense of emptiness. I feel some guilt wondering how it got to this point and if I’m at fault, and I’m also left wondering if and when I’ll find someone. How do I beat these feelings and come out of this funk?

Sincerely,
Divorced Dame

Dear Divorced Dame,
It’s perfectly natural to feel a sense of defeat after you’ve ended a marriage. Afterall, something has died. You need to allow yourself the time to mourn what you once loved and lived as well as mourn what could have been with your now ex-spouse in the future. That process takes time and can cause the same pain and stages of grief as the death of a living being. Those stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages can flip-flop, repeat, and subside and then return. There is no rhyme nor reason to how process plays out. You just need to allow yourself to sit with the pain, as uncomfortable as it may seem or feel to get through it. And you will get through it! 

It sounds as though you may presently be experiencing both the stages of bargaining (when you try and revisit what could have been or what you should have done defiantly to change your circumstances) as well as depression comorbidly. We can all revisit choices and think about ways we could have done better in any life circumstance. However, you should trust yourself to know that at the time you acted in your best interest and made the best decision for you based on the evidence and knowledge you had in hand.

If you think you could have done things better or differently, my advice is to take those lessons and hold them close so you can bring them into your next chapter. Whether it’s with a romantic partner, a newfound friendship (or as unsettling circumstances arise with old friendships) those new lessons will serve you with a new set of skills. That is always the best way we can learn from our mistakes and/or “failures.” When we can turn them into future strengths and sources of power, we always win!

Regarding entering into a new romantic relationship, only you can know when you’re ready to tackle the dating world again. My advice is to be patient with yourself and look at each prospective suitor as an experience to grow and learn about yourself: What you want in a partner, what you don’t want and the type of partner you aspire to be this time around. The dating cycle can also bring turmoil and triumph along the way so be sure you allow yourself the necessary time to heal and mend from this encounter, first.

Best wishes on your new chapter and when you are ready to turn the page into love, do so with excitement and joy. The options toward new happiness are endless!

Wishing you love and light,

Mindi