The MINDIE Method

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual psychotherapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett Psychotherapy practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com 

Dear Mindie, 

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I am the other woman. I don’t want to be but I am. I met my boyfriend “Alex” two years ago at a hotel bar in the city, after having a girls’ night out with three friends. He was there, alone, as he was traveling for business, and we were immediately drawn to each other. At first, we were friends. We exchanged some laughs at the bar and then our phone numbers and stayed in touch with texts and eventually calls. That turned into a dinner, the next time he was in town, which turned into another get-together and then an intentional visit to New York to see me. That visit was when we became lovers and we’ve been seeing each other once a month (sometimes more) ever since. In between we text and call and Facetime a lot.

He says he’s not happy. How could he be? He’s with me, not her, for intimacy and connection! But he doesn’t have a plan to leave. He has two teenage children and says he’ll consider divorcing his wife when they go off to college. But how can I be sure? I’m in my forties and I don’t want to waste my best years waiting to see if he will follow through. I don’t want to give up on my soulmate, though, and make a mistake and leave if he is my person. Please help!

Sincerely,
Love Lost

Dear Love Lost,
Affairs are messy. You’re in a triangular relationship with your boyfriend and his wife. This is not a healthy romantic dyad and it’s not reality. That’s the first element you need to understand and accept. There are many reasons why men cheat. Sometimes it’s because they’re unhappy in their marriage, they are looking for validation or they lack self-esteem, just to name a few. However, you need to dig deep and search for the reasons you are willing to accept a fraction of what a healthy romantic relationship is supposed to look like, in addition to the fact you are lacking a real partnership.

My hypothesis is that you lack self-esteem in some small way or have been a victim of some sort of interpersonal trauma, you may not even be aware of.

My best advice is that you end this relationship immediately. From my perspective, he has already made his choice and that is to remain in his marriage and with his family. You can only act on what’s going on here and now.

There is also no easy way to end things so the faster and the swifter, the better. A phone call or text is best so that you are not putting yourself in a situation to get manipulated back into his fold, should you connect in person. Know that you must also allow yourself the necessary time to mourn. While you didn’t share a life with this person, you did share a connection, and you need to give yourself permission to heal. Leaning on friends, family and seeking the help of a professional therapist will also help you not only move past this period feeling more resilient but provide you with a solid foundation to begin your next relationship from a healthier place.

Best of luck in love and life!

 
Mindie xo